Home from my mission!

Hallo to all of my faithful blog readers!

I have victoriously returned home from my 18 month full time mission. The new news is that I will now be posting again! Let there be joy throughout the land!

I am grateful for the opportunity to have served God and those around me in New England, it was an inspiring time that taught me a lot, including how to be a better perkyhandmaiden.

The night I became two years older.

I am sorry I haven't posted. It's a long story about watercolors, stupid people from Texas, and my wonderful Daddy.

Another thing missed in my sad hiatus was the news that I received my mission call to Boston Massachusetts. Yay! But most of you know this already.

It is because of the timing of my leaving, because of the fact that I will be gone for two of my birthdays that I post this. So here is the story:

My two bestest friends in the world since I was just a tyke are Jaq and Deena. We still get together sometimes, twice a month or so. They really are great friends, but if I told you all the great things I thought about them, This would be a really really long post.

Last night we got together again. We were meeting at my apartment and I figured we'd catch a movie and go out to eat or sumthin. But when I opened the door, there they were with a big sheet cake and even bigger grins.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"

I was confused. It wasn't my birthday. But they called me silly, reassured me that I was mistaken and that I was now twenty two. I started to object when they gave me a bunch of presents.

Well, if they were going insane, who was I to object, right?

So after presents were open and great big hugs were given around, they both exchanged a look and said,

"We forgot something in the car, wait right there, and we be back"

and they giggled and left.

I wasn't suspicious, I was playing with my new toys. They seemed to take a awfully long time when all the sudden they knocked again.

"Come in!" says I.

They knock again.

"It's open!" I churp.

Again, an insistent knock.

so I get up and answer it.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!"

"Wow, It's amazing another year has flown by!"

"I can't believe you're all ready twenty three!"
"Finally, you're older than both of us!"

"You don't look a day older!"

They brought in another sheet cake and more presents. They had even changed clothes, even down to wearing different jewelry to show that time had passed.

I would post the picture of the other cake, but somehow, my camera didn't save it. But it was awesome. It had a ninja on it. And he was kibitzing.

Instead, I'll post pictures of my great friends:

This is Deena. Yes, she really is that adorable, and do ask her about her horrible plan, it's awesome.

This is Jaq. If her eyes look red, it's not the picture. they really are red. And she really is eating the skittles, bag and all. She's a vampire who is on the wagon, and sometimes she gets these urges...

Anyway, needless to say, I don't feel as though I've accomplished anything in my twenty second year. It went by so fast.

But it was the best double birthday I'd ever had! we wrecked a journal (a post for another time?)

watched condorman, and sacrificed a ninja to the bowl of Dark M&Ms.

Thanks to my awesome friends. They really mean a lot to me. I'll miss them when I go on my mission.

I'm such a vane person!

Pardon the pun. I'll explain:

Those who know me will already know that I was born deficient. I am missing one of my front teeth. It just never grew in. It's my biggest flaw, besides my big toes being shorter than the next ones.

Anyway, I recently underwent a implant surgery. Pretty much what they did was cut in the gum, drill a hole in my skull, and jam a metal pipe up so as to attach a fake tooth. It wasn't so bad, but I'm still getting used to it.

Yesterday, it started aching. It hasn't hurt for a while, so it was very strange and a little annoying. Despite the painkillers I took, It continued to throb and ache. I was on the verge of calling the doctor, when I looked outside.

It was raining.

Well, that explained everything! It's common knowledge that if you get knee surgerys you can predict the weather by the aching. The urban legend is that it's because of the metal they put in. So it makes sense that now, with the help of my implant, I can predict the weather with my head!!!

Whoa! there must be a storm coming! My head's acting up!

I never thought anything could be cooler than getting radio reception with my braces, but I was wrong!!

Obama on Broadway!!

So, I have just discovered that there has been not one, not two, but three musicals written about President Obama! But here is the kicker,

Not a single one of them has been made by Americans. One in London, one in Germany, and one, oddly, in Kenya.

It seems as though the man who was nearly considered the messiah and was awarded the nobel peace prize for no reason and who is going to reform this country and save the world can't even get his own country to make him a musical. Which is too bad, because I want to see it on tour. I mean, who wouldn't want to see Obama in a leotard?

I can just see the songs in my head. They'll start off with the award winning, Obama on my mind and then jump into Health care's bustin' out all over! and move into the timeless, My wife's arms ending up in the showstopper, Do you hear the socialists sing?

Somewhere in there, there will be a plot twist involving the family dog. It'll be great. I can't wait.

Next, they're going to do: Sanford on the Appalachian Trail. Watch out! There's nudity in this one.

Want to hear a joke?

So four girls are at a singles activity. They don't know each other very well, but they all happen to be standing together. Suddenly, from the north, a giant beam of light appears stretching from the ground to the heavens.

The first girl falls to her knees and shouts,

"It's the second coming!" she then proceeds to pray for forgiveness for all the things she's ever done wrong.

The second girl started crying and reading her scriptures, cramming, as it were, for the eternal test.

The third girl glances up at the beam of light and merely grunts.

"Why," said the fourth girl to the third girl "do you not think it's the second coming?"

The third girl rolls her eyes and says, "Not unless Jesus is going to Weber State University first. That's their *moon spot."

The fourth girl looked down at the now confused repentant girls and laughed really really hard.

I was that fourth girl.

I suppose there should have been some immortal lesson about being prepared with maybe a ten virgins analogy thrown in, but I was too busy laughing.

*Weber state has a spotlight they shine up to the moon to measure the distance between here and there. But it can easily be mistaken for the pillar of light often associated with celestial descents. It also has been used to call Utah's own vigilante when it's cloudy.

Oh yeah, and...

One more dating tip: If you have already asked a girl on a date, don't call her back and let her know that she was actually a wrong number for another girl with the same name, but it's okay, we can still go on a date. I'll hang up on you.

Dating tips. aka- Why I'm not married

I don't date a whole lot, but when I do, they seem to go south. And not just for the winter. They generally buy a beach house and settled down. The following tips are experiences, either from me, or close friends. They are all true. However, if you are reading this and happened to have dated me, I promise it's not you. Even if it's the exact same date and you remember the exact same conversation, it's some other guy who was much geekier than you were.

Tip #1: When on a date, do not incessantly talk about your ex-girlfriend. Not only is it bad manners, but it also distracts you from noticing that your date is pounding her head against the car window and trying to figure out the safest way to jump from the moving vehicle. Also don't insist that your date is more extroverted than she actually is. Your conversations might go something like this:

"So I bet you date a lot."

"No, not really."

"No, I bet you date a lot."

"No. No really, I don't"

"No, I bet you have a lot of boyfriends."

"Not really, no."

"Naw, I bet you do."

"Yes. yes I do."

"Oh yes?"

"Yeah, in fact I just broke up with my old boyfriend. He was really good looking. and rich. and really really nice. Charming, you know? and a really great smile."

"What happened?"

"He got deported."

"Oh. Sorry."

After you do not do this, also do not continue talking about your ex-girlfriend.

Tip #2: When on a date, do not act as though you are still in high school. Do not mention people you haven't seen for four years in the hopes that you and your date will have known the same people. They probably don't.

Tip #3: When asking a girl on a date over the phone, don not spend minutes of silence trying to figure out what to say.

"Hey." says boy

"Hey." says girl

*loud breathing.*

"How are you?" asks girl

"Good. how are you?" answers boy

"Good. Getting, you know, older."

*loud breathing*

"So, what can I do for you?" girl asks brightly.

"'I was..."

silence

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if you'd..."

silence

"Need a favor?" girl asks hopefully.

"No, I was wondering if you'd go on... you know..."

"A safari?"

"No."

"A quiz show?"

"A date."

"Ah. Ah. there it is."

"With me."

Thus you have spent ten minutes asking a three second question. Don't do that.

Tip #4: When on a date with a girl, do not spend the entire time explaining the many plot twists of Stargate SG-1 and insist that she watch your home videos portraying you as a jedi and your self choreographed light saber fights. Odds are she's not interested. And it sort of marks you as a nerd.

Tip #5: Throughout your date, do not, at any time casually say something like,

"Whoops, better not do that. I could get sent back to jail for something like that."

It's not funny.

Tip#6: If you are lucky enough to go on a second date with a girl, DO NOT BRING UP MARRIAGE!! Unless you are absolutely sure of yourself. That will scare girls away faster than anything. Also, do not get too cozy with her after you have mentioned that you want to get married as soon as you can.

Thus I am still single.

I can go on, but I think I have already been mean. again, it's not you, it's some other guy. If you have a bad dating experience, feel free to comment with it.