Oh yeah, and...

One more dating tip: If you have already asked a girl on a date, don't call her back and let her know that she was actually a wrong number for another girl with the same name, but it's okay, we can still go on a date. I'll hang up on you.

Dating tips. aka- Why I'm not married

I don't date a whole lot, but when I do, they seem to go south. And not just for the winter. They generally buy a beach house and settled down. The following tips are experiences, either from me, or close friends. They are all true. However, if you are reading this and happened to have dated me, I promise it's not you. Even if it's the exact same date and you remember the exact same conversation, it's some other guy who was much geekier than you were.

Tip #1: When on a date, do not incessantly talk about your ex-girlfriend. Not only is it bad manners, but it also distracts you from noticing that your date is pounding her head against the car window and trying to figure out the safest way to jump from the moving vehicle. Also don't insist that your date is more extroverted than she actually is. Your conversations might go something like this:

"So I bet you date a lot."

"No, not really."

"No, I bet you date a lot."

"No. No really, I don't"

"No, I bet you have a lot of boyfriends."

"Not really, no."

"Naw, I bet you do."

"Yes. yes I do."

"Oh yes?"

"Yeah, in fact I just broke up with my old boyfriend. He was really good looking. and rich. and really really nice. Charming, you know? and a really great smile."

"What happened?"

"He got deported."

"Oh. Sorry."

After you do not do this, also do not continue talking about your ex-girlfriend.

Tip #2: When on a date, do not act as though you are still in high school. Do not mention people you haven't seen for four years in the hopes that you and your date will have known the same people. They probably don't.

Tip #3: When asking a girl on a date over the phone, don not spend minutes of silence trying to figure out what to say.

"Hey." says boy

"Hey." says girl

*loud breathing.*

"How are you?" asks girl

"Good. how are you?" answers boy

"Good. Getting, you know, older."

*loud breathing*

"So, what can I do for you?" girl asks brightly.

"'I was..."

silence

"Yes?"

"I was wondering if you'd..."

silence

"Need a favor?" girl asks hopefully.

"No, I was wondering if you'd go on... you know..."

"A safari?"

"No."

"A quiz show?"

"A date."

"Ah. Ah. there it is."

"With me."

Thus you have spent ten minutes asking a three second question. Don't do that.

Tip #4: When on a date with a girl, do not spend the entire time explaining the many plot twists of Stargate SG-1 and insist that she watch your home videos portraying you as a jedi and your self choreographed light saber fights. Odds are she's not interested. And it sort of marks you as a nerd.

Tip #5: Throughout your date, do not, at any time casually say something like,

"Whoops, better not do that. I could get sent back to jail for something like that."

It's not funny.

Tip#6: If you are lucky enough to go on a second date with a girl, DO NOT BRING UP MARRIAGE!! Unless you are absolutely sure of yourself. That will scare girls away faster than anything. Also, do not get too cozy with her after you have mentioned that you want to get married as soon as you can.

Thus I am still single.

I can go on, but I think I have already been mean. again, it's not you, it's some other guy. If you have a bad dating experience, feel free to comment with it.

In the dark of the night.

I hate nightmares.

I don't have them very often, but when I do, they are vivid and frightening. I had one the other night.

I dreamed that our next door neighbor was kinda creepy and kept asking me all these questions about my and my sisters routines. Eventually I slammed the door in his face. He must not have liked that because I came home from shopping the next day to find my sisters had been killed. It was awful. There was blood spattered everywhere, and the killer had drawn a smiley face in blood on our wall. I knew it was the next door neighbor, deep deep down inside. The FBI came and cleaned everything up, and they also told me that the serial killer was now after me. We knew this because at the funeral, someone handed me an envelope filled with money, and on each one of the bills, a letter was circled, and it spelled out "I'm going to get you!"

I don't know where there is a exclamation point on any money, but it was there in the dream.

Anyway, I had to change my name and move, but every time I did, he would find me again and try and kill me.

I woke up at 2 shaking and couldn't get back to sleep. I kept trying to convince myself that there was nothing wrong, but that I had better stay in bed, just in case. Then I had to go to the bathroom. So, picking up my Snow White piggy bank figuring I could princess him to death if anyone tried anything, and with my back against the wall, I made for the bathroom.

After taking a few breaths and telling myself nothing was wrong, I walked around the apartment, checking for bad guys. Satisfied that no one was there, I went back to bed and hid my head under the covers. Then I peeked out again, just in case.

Please share nightmares so that I won't feel so silly about being scared out of my mind. It seems dumb now, but at the time it was freaky.

Beware!!

I am the phantom of the e-mail.

I'm so wicked.

A while ago, I played a trick on my little sister.

Sometimes, she checks her e-mail on my computer and the password pops up whenever you type in her user name. One day, just as a joke, I logged in and changed her background. I didn't read any e-mails or anything. A couple of weeks later, out of curiosity, I log in again to find she had changed it back. I changed it again. This went on for a month or so before I decided to take it to the next level.

I logged in and wrote an e-mail to that same account saying,

"This is the ghost of your e-mail. You shall do what I say."

And I sent it.

She put it in Spam.

Giggling, I took it out of spam and wrote another one saying,

"I am not spam! I am the ghost of your e-mail and you can not escape me! Bwahahahahahaha!

ps, Bwahahahahahaha!!!"

I figured that after that she'd dismiss it as a joke, I didn't think hackers had a sense of humor.

She put me in Spam again.

This time I wrote,

"If you put me in Spam one more time, I shall put a curse on you family! Answer me!"

By this time, I was throughly enjoying myself.

As it so happened, I visited my sister that next weekend. I had brought my computer, and was trying to log in to her account again when I discovered she had changed the password. Bummed, I went to my other little sister to ask what it was, and when she didn't know, I thought I'd go directly to the source. When I gently broached the subject of e-mail passwords, little sister the first looked at me with big eyes and whispered,

"I think someone is trying to steal my identity! They keep logging in and sending me e-mails!"

Trying desperately to keep a straight face, I asked,

"So, what's you're new password?"

"Oh, it's--" and then she saw my face.

The gag was up.

I think she threatened to not talk to me for a week, but she eventually forgave me. The moral of this story is, if there is a mysterious person e-mailing you from your own account, it's probably me. Don't change your password.

I sold my soul for a fish.

I think the title is pretty self explanatory. It was a swordfish.

Matchmaker

So I have been getting more and more wrong numbers asking for Kristen. Okay, only three, but the point is, I have found out, through a misdirected text that Kristen and Josh are now together. That's right! Josh from Lagoon who hitches rides off of random parents! Kristen is a lucky girl. I cannot help but think I had something to do with their good fortune.

I hope they mention me at their wedding.

Birthday!!!

Yesterday was my birthday. It was great. I have the best family and friends in the world. My sisters gave me brekfast in bed and then me and H (names shortened to protect the innocent.) and I went downtown and had lunch. I had a jolly old time riding trax. Then I drove to my family's home and they fed me the tastiest dinner and we had ice cream and mousse cake. And then my other sister, L took me to Barnes and Noble and told me to choose whatever I wanted! Poor L is now broke, but I'm happy. I dropped L off at the mall and I was accosted by one of those little weight loss shops that sit in the middle of the isle and jump on people who pass. The lady came up to me and said,

"Excuse me, would you like to try our new green tea weight loss shake?"

I looked at her blankly and said,

"Do I look like I need to lose weight?"

(for those of you who know me, the answer is a decided YES!)

"Oh no!" she assured me, "Not at all!"

"Oh good, thank you for your time." I strode off.

I hate those little shops, and that felt really good.

But the best part is that late in the morning, I recieved a text that said,

"Hey Kristin, I'm Josh. We met at Lagoon a few weeks ago while I was working. your mom drove me home:) remember?"

I texted back,

"Hey josh. First of all how are you? Secondly, I think you have the wrong number. You owe me 25 cents for this text."

He didn't respond. That made me sad.

I love birthdays!