Monday, November 16, 2009

Oh yeah, and...

One more dating tip: If you have already asked a girl on a date, don't call her back and let her know that she was actually a wrong number for another girl with the same name, but it's okay, we can still go on a date. I'll hang up on you.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Dating tips. aka- Why I'm not married

I don't date a whole lot, but when I do, they seem to go south. And not just for the winter. They generally buy a beach house and settled down. The following tips are experiences, either from me, or close friends. They are all true. However, if you are reading this and happened to have dated me, I promise it's not you. Even if it's the exact same date and you remember the exact same conversation, it's some other guy who was much geekier than you were.

Tip #1: When on a date, do not incessantly talk about your ex-girlfriend. Not only is it bad manners, but it also distracts you from noticing that your date is pounding her head against the car window and trying to figure out the safest way to jump from the moving vehicle. Also don't insist that your date is more extroverted than she actually is. Your conversations might go something like this:
"So I bet you date a lot."
"No, not really."
"No, I bet you date a lot."
"No. No really, I don't"
"No, I bet you have a lot of boyfriends."
"Not really, no."
"Naw, I bet you do."
"Yes. yes I do."
"Oh yes?"
"Yeah, in fact I just broke up with my old boyfriend. He was really good looking. and rich. and really really nice. Charming, you know? and a really great smile."
"What happened?"
"He got deported."
"Oh. Sorry."
After you do not do this, also do not continue talking about your ex-girlfriend.

Tip #2: When on a date, do not act as though you are still in high school. Do not mention people you haven't seen for four years in the hopes that you and your date will have known the same people. They probably don't.

Tip #3: When asking a girl on a date over the phone, don not spend minutes of silence trying to figure out what to say.
"Hey." says boy
"Hey." says girl
*loud breathing.*
"How are you?" asks girl
"Good. how are you?" answers boy
"Good. Getting, you know, older."
*loud breathing*
"So, what can I do for you?" girl asks brightly.
"'I was..."
"I was wondering if you'd..."
"Need a favor?" girl asks hopefully.
"No, I was wondering if you'd go on... you know..."
"A safari?"
"A quiz show?"
"A date."
"Ah. Ah. there it is."
"With me."
Thus you have spent ten minutes asking a three second question. Don't do that.

Tip #4: When on a date with a girl, do not spend the entire time explaining the many plot twists of Stargate SG-1 and insist that she watch your home videos portraying you as a jedi and your self choreographed light saber fights. Odds are she's not interested. And it sort of marks you as a nerd.

Tip #5: Throughout your date, do not, at any time casually say something like,
"Whoops, better not do that. I could get sent back to jail for something like that."
It's not funny.

Tip#6: If you are lucky enough to go on a second date with a girl, DO NOT BRING UP MARRIAGE!! Unless you are absolutely sure of yourself. That will scare girls away faster than anything. Also, do not get too cozy with her after you have mentioned that you want to get married as soon as you can.

Thus I am still single.

I can go on, but I think I have already been mean. again, it's not you, it's some other guy. If you have a bad dating experience, feel free to comment with it.