Sunday, November 1, 2009

Dating tips. aka- Why I'm not married

I don't date a whole lot, but when I do, they seem to go south. And not just for the winter. They generally buy a beach house and settled down. The following tips are experiences, either from me, or close friends. They are all true. However, if you are reading this and happened to have dated me, I promise it's not you. Even if it's the exact same date and you remember the exact same conversation, it's some other guy who was much geekier than you were.

Tip #1: When on a date, do not incessantly talk about your ex-girlfriend. Not only is it bad manners, but it also distracts you from noticing that your date is pounding her head against the car window and trying to figure out the safest way to jump from the moving vehicle. Also don't insist that your date is more extroverted than she actually is. Your conversations might go something like this:
"So I bet you date a lot."
"No, not really."
"No, I bet you date a lot."
"No. No really, I don't"
"No, I bet you have a lot of boyfriends."
"Not really, no."
"Naw, I bet you do."
"Yes. yes I do."
"Oh yes?"
"Yeah, in fact I just broke up with my old boyfriend. He was really good looking. and rich. and really really nice. Charming, you know? and a really great smile."
"What happened?"
"He got deported."
"Oh. Sorry."
After you do not do this, also do not continue talking about your ex-girlfriend.

Tip #2: When on a date, do not act as though you are still in high school. Do not mention people you haven't seen for four years in the hopes that you and your date will have known the same people. They probably don't.

Tip #3: When asking a girl on a date over the phone, don not spend minutes of silence trying to figure out what to say.
"Hey." says boy
"Hey." says girl
*loud breathing.*
"How are you?" asks girl
"Good. how are you?" answers boy
"Good. Getting, you know, older."
*loud breathing*
"So, what can I do for you?" girl asks brightly.
"'I was..."
"I was wondering if you'd..."
"Need a favor?" girl asks hopefully.
"No, I was wondering if you'd go on... you know..."
"A safari?"
"A quiz show?"
"A date."
"Ah. Ah. there it is."
"With me."
Thus you have spent ten minutes asking a three second question. Don't do that.

Tip #4: When on a date with a girl, do not spend the entire time explaining the many plot twists of Stargate SG-1 and insist that she watch your home videos portraying you as a jedi and your self choreographed light saber fights. Odds are she's not interested. And it sort of marks you as a nerd.

Tip #5: Throughout your date, do not, at any time casually say something like,
"Whoops, better not do that. I could get sent back to jail for something like that."
It's not funny.

Tip#6: If you are lucky enough to go on a second date with a girl, DO NOT BRING UP MARRIAGE!! Unless you are absolutely sure of yourself. That will scare girls away faster than anything. Also, do not get too cozy with her after you have mentioned that you want to get married as soon as you can.

Thus I am still single.

I can go on, but I think I have already been mean. again, it's not you, it's some other guy. If you have a bad dating experience, feel free to comment with it.


  1. "A Safari?"
    You are so funny! Really, Sar, you should write a newspaper column.

    I'll post a comment about a bad date later.

  2. "He got deported."

    Ba hahahahahaaa!

  3. oh.. Sarah! I really liked this post! :D I definately can relate! I went on a couple dates with this guy, and each time he would tell me the exact same stories... bleck! BORING! And that was only just one story! I'm sure we can exchange more stories! ha ha ha!! I'm laughing inside thinking about them all! :D ha ha ha!

  4. Here's another one:
    never, Never, NEVER bring your recently engaged best friend and her future hubby with you on a first date. At that point in their relationship all they are intrested in is each other, and they are oblivious to anyone else.
    They are also a huge distraction by giving each other gooey-eyed looks, playing footsie, talking about how they met, and generally enjoying the experience of falling madly in love with each other, much to the disgust of those around them. This does not make a good environment for a first date.

  5. Sarah, I have to tell you I laughed pretty hard. You are so funny. When is your next book due to be out????

  6. Ha Ha Ha! -- Hey wait! I think I've done some of that. How embarassing! How did I ever get someone like Kristy to marry me?

  7. I got set up on a blind date by a friend from New York. After a short time, I realized that my date and I had met at a conference about 2 years earlier. I asked if he knew another girl I got to be really good friends with at the conference. He did.
    "The last time I talked to her was about 6 months ago and she had just gotten engaged. Do you know if she is still engaged?"
    Long silence...
    I'm clueless. I kept going.
    "Did she ever get married?"
    He wouldn't even look at me. Kudos to him for being honest. "Uh... She was engaged to me."
    Ouch. Embarrassing.

  8. Okay, I can't help it... one more.
    Don't insist on driving around for half an hour trying to find a place to eat that is "really nice enough", THEN when you finally decide on somewhere stop at the door and turn back because "It's 20 minutes before closing, and when I worked in the kitchen I hated it when people came in just before closing..." THEN drive to a fast food place (because that's all that's open) and after I order a value meal, you order a 59 cent corn-dog and a water, THEN talk about how much you want to get married for the next half hour! I'm about to gag on my fries!